When Love Is Not Enough: 4 Signs That You Are In A Toxic Relationship

'Why doesn't she leave her control-freak partner?' 'Why is he sticking to his abusive girlfriend?' 'Why are they still married - they seem to hate each other!' Questions like these are common and we are often left wondering why two people, seemingly in an unhappy relationship, are sticking to each other or why the one who's facing the maximum brunt is clinging on to the other. Deepti Chandy, Therapist and COO, Anna Chandy & Associates, points out that toxic relationships can prove to be compelling. And to make matters even more complicated, often, you don't even realise that your relationship is a toxic one because often - though not always - 'love' is still there.

"Toxic relationships can be surprisingly addictive, and there’s a scientific explanation behind this phenomenon," says Deepti Chandy. She adds, "When we experience love bombing, where our partner showers us with affection and attention, our brain releases a surge of dopamine and oxytocin, the so-called “happy hormones.” Conversely, when we are put down or rejected, stress hormones flood our system. This constant fluctuation between highs and lows can create a cycle of dependency, much like an addiction to drugs or alcohol."

Identifying Signs Of Toxic Relationships

When you are on a constant emotional roller-coaster, you often fail to comprehend that your relationship has turned toxic. Chandy says that recognising the signs of a toxic relationship is crucial for breaking free and reclaiming your emotional well-being. She mentions four key indicators that say that you may be in a toxic relationship. Chandy also highlights steps to seek support and recovery.

1. Constant Fear

One of the most telling signs of a toxic relationship is the pervasive sense of fear. If you feel like you’re always walking on eggshells around your partner, carefully monitoring what you say or do to avoid triggering a negative reaction, this is a significant red flag. This fear can stem from their unpredictable behaviour, where you never know what might set them off. Living in a constant state of anxiety erodes your self-confidence and sense of security, making it difficult to feel relaxed or happy in the relationship.

2. Isolation From Loved Ones

Another hallmark of a toxic relationship is isolation. You may notice that your partner discourages or outright prevents you from spending time with friends and family. This isolation tactic is often subtle at first, manifesting as jealousy or possessiveness, but it can escalate to controlling behaviour that leaves you feeling cut off from your support network. Losing touch with loved ones not only deepens your dependence on your partner but also makes it harder to seek help or perspective on your situation.

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3. Feeling Stuck

A profound sense of being stuck is common in toxic relationships. You might feel like something is inherently wrong with the relationship, yet you are unable to break free from it. This feeling of entrapment often comes with persistent sadness and a sense of helplessness. The addictive cycle of highs and lows keeps you tethered, as you hope for the good times to return and alleviate the constant distress. Recognising this pattern is the first step towards understanding that the dynamic itself is unhealthy and not your fault.

4. Fear Of Sharing Milestones

In a healthy relationship, sharing your successes and milestones with your partner should bring joy and mutual celebration. However, in a toxic relationship, even positive news can be a source of fear. You might worry about how your partner will react to your achievements, fearing jealousy, criticism, or indifference. This fear stifles your ability to enjoy your own accomplishments and creates a barrier to open communication and mutual support.

'Love Can Exist Even In A Toxic Relationship, But...'

Deepti Chandy says that it’s important to understand that love can exist within a toxic relationship. "You might genuinely love your partner, and they might love you. However, love alone does not make a relationship healthy," she says. 

Recovering from a toxic relationship requires support and a commitment to self-care. "Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or a mental health professional who can provide the necessary guidance and encouragement. Therapy can be particularly beneficial in helping you understand the patterns of your relationship, rebuild your self-esteem, and develop strategies for establishing healthy boundaries," says Chandy.